chapter 277 : practically a ghost

Practically a ghost

Mi

I woke up chocking. There was something crammed down the back of my throat pushing in on me and sucking the air out of my lungs. I didn’t know what was happening or had happened there was just a vacuum in my chest and the pain.

“All right Mi one just a second don’t fight,” whatever was in the back of my throat was yanked upon and it slid up into my mouth leaving me retching and gasping clawing at the thin air around me. I blinked hard into the light trying to get my bearings as another mask was strapped over my face. I wasn’t sure where I was or how I had got there or even what happened properly. Just that I was in the bath of scolding water. Then kind of hot that numbed your skin and turned it pink, and then there was the pain and the blood. So much blood.

“Take some deep breaths Mi. You’re going to have a scratchy throat and feel a bit wired for a while but you’re going to be ok.”

My eyes span in an awkward fashion as I tried to take in the room around me. It must have been a hospital room which means they must have found me. I couldn’t remember who or how just the water slipping up over me and my eyes closing against the black spots in my vision. I was so sure I was going to die this time.

“Your sats are holding well for now my love.” I tried to get my eyes to focus on the human that was hovering front of me talking but she remained misty as if swimming under water “I would like to keep you here for observation for a while longer then we will see about moving you from high dependency into the main ward. All being well you should be able to leave here as good as new soon. Now before I go can you just tell me your full name please?”

“Mi, Mia Dorado.” I crocked

“And your age?”

“16.”

“Good girl that’s enough for now. Someone will be into check on you shortly and give you some painkillers if you need some.”

I nodded unable to speak anymore and what I could only presume was the doctor left the room.  I tried to get the sense of my body and where the things used to be. My wrists where sore and stiff cocooned in thick bandaged. A large bandage was stuck somewhere near the tops of my legs which ached uncontrollably.

At first I tried to wiggle my toes and fingers as well as blinking a few times. It hurt but the pain wasn’t bad as I had actually expected it to be only the drips in the back of my hands stabbed at me.  How had it come to this? In here again. My plan had been fool proofed I was dead at the same time as being alive these breaths where never meant to be. I was practically a ghost  

Chapter 276 : What's the damage

What’s the damage

I felt myself slump against the table a bit as they mentioned her. Like I could suddenly feel the weight of my body again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what he had to say. Ignorance could be bliss after all.

“That’s Mi,” Emmet said speaking up first. “I wasn’t on shift but Esmee dealt with it. How is she doing?”

Leo sighed and shock his head and my heart froze. I surly knew enough to know what that meant. In any language in any hospital around the world. It still felt kind of impossible though like she was a part of everything and things would unravel around her. She could be dead but she shouldn’t be. There was so much more.

“What can I say, Poor little girl. I have no idea how anyone could cause such destruction to themselves. I won’t give you false hope guys. It isn’t really good news I can give you here.”

I don’t know what happened inside of me. What strange button was pressed or what reflex gave away. Or weather my resolve had finally gave up at trying to block out the gruesome wounds that had presented them self to me just a few hours ago but I knew then I was going to throw up and no amount of deep breaths where going to help.

Heaving I got to my feet and rushed over to the kitchen sink and turned the tap on before I allowed myself to have my mini melt down. I would be Ok. I always was but I needed this moment and apparently the moment had to be then.

“All right, it’s OK hon,” Emmet soothed as he reached me and pulled my hair back over my shoulder. “You’re going to be OK.”

I heard someone go to the fridge and then Leo appeared beside me rubbing the side of my arm. “I say it once and I will say it again Esmee, You are not cut out to be a nurse. Your far too soft,” Leo smiled sadly.

“I will take that as a compliment,” I said chocking on the acid taste that lingered in the back of my throat. I also took the water that Leo had got from the fridge and turned my back on the sink taking a sip to try and disperse the taste. I felt better again. I was more focused. I didn’t know if I particularly liked the feeling but Vomit had always had a way inside of me of making me calm. The act of being sick had soothed me. The lullaby of an eating disorder never really left you. 

“Here take a seat. You look wobbly.” Emmet said dragging a chair over to me pushing me down. I smiled as in way of thanks and took his hand into mine. I had never wanted him close to me as much as I had then.

“Carry on Leo,” I said reluctantly. There was no point in dragging it out her condition would be the same.

“The ambulance crew took over her breathing in the ambulance and managed to get her heart started again with a few rounds of CPR. When she got to us she was still not making any respiratory effort at all so we incubated her and took over her breathing with a machine. Her heart then went into erythema but once again corrected it’s self with CPR. She has also lost a critical amount of blood. She cut down to the bone on both wrists and severed her main arteries. She pinched her femoral artery. We did a path repair of this in the A&E however she will need work on this in theatre by a team of doctors including plastics when she is more stable. We pushed a lot of blood into her and she was in a critical but stable condition when we sent her to our paediatric intensive care unit. We hope she will recover but of course as with any time without oxygen to the brain we don’t know if she has sustained any amount of brain damage.”       

Chapter 275 : how dose the world go on?

How does the world go on?

We sat for a while after that and didn’t say a thing Emmet calmed quickly. He was not healed in any way he did not feel better however he had always been in more control then I was. I had no real tears. I had no energy to really shout or scream. I just wanted it to be over. To wake up from this bad dream.

Mia had grown annoyed of being annoyed and had settled with drawing in Weetabix remains with her fingers on the tray of her high chair. She was a good girl really. She was perfect at least she was too young to remember Mi. At least we wouldn’t have to explain to her if… if it happened.

I don’t know what prompted Emmet to get up when he did or if he even wanted to but he did get to his feet so he was one more step ahead of me. I was still content with sitting on the floor. The world didn’t feel the same.

“Well who’s a mucky ducky then? You know that is meant to go in your mouth right?” Emmet smiled approaching Mia’s high chair. She smiled back before dropping her spoon into her plate sending Weetabix to splash up onto her already covered face. She giggled.

“Well this is not what we had planned but a think a bath is in order missy, and you…” Emmet continued turning to me “must be shattered why don’t you head up to bed and try to get some sleep?”

Sleep? How could I sleep? I was so tired I could sleep for a week but I knew that was going to be impossible. I could not rest until I at least knew, and if it was the worse, if it would stand to be that the only thing that was left was a photo and a memory I would probably never be able to sleep again.

“Sleep?” I almost laughed. “That would be a fine thing. I doubt I will ever be able to sleep again.” I didn’t want to but I got to my feet anyway. “I think I will live of coffee instead.” I approached the kettle in a sluggish movement. The gaps between where I was and where I was meant to be had somehow seemed to have grown. How could a few steps feel like I had to complete a marathon?

“You need to look after you too honey and pumping yourself so high on caffeine isn’t doing that. No matter what happens now not matter how sad life has to continue for the rest of us. Mia is here and Apple gate house is still standing and still has people inside that need you now. They always have. Everyone knows you are the best nurse that has ever graced that building.”

I was about to argue with him. I was capable. I wasn’t brilliant. Maybe if I was. I would have spotted something. Was there something? Something in the way that she moved, or in the tone of her voice? The expression on her face?

“You could drive yourself insane overthinking this Esmee. There were no signs or warnings. She was not wearing a flashing light. Mi mad a decision and she hid it from all of us and she hid it damn well. She had practice. Her world was just too hard for her. I hope she lives. Hell I hope she lives and if she dose we will try again and again. We will never give up however you need to be well an in control for when she wakes up.”

“Hello… guys, it’s only us. Can we come in?” I jumped as our front door opened and Leo and Lenny’s voice shouted up the hallway. It wasn’t uncommon for them to drop in and maybe right now it was a good thing. Mia needed attention and I was not really up to giving it. Emmet could Emmet was brilliant but I needed him too. How selfish was that?

“Well what a night,” Leo moaned plonking himself down on one of the kitchen chairs while Lenny reached over and took Mia out of Emmet’s arms. Emmet then sat down too next to him. I followed suit. “I had one your kids in ressus last night guys, not in a good way. I know it’s not really my place but I guessed you guys wouldn’t mind an update so you’re up to date on what’s happening.”    

Chapter 274 : Responsible

I felt Emmets grip tighten around me as I told the news. His heart picked up speed in his chest until it sounded like a freight train going through my ears. It sounded like he was about to have a panic attack but I know he wouldn’t that was a lot closer reality to me as realisation crept more and more into the for front. I knew that reality was she would probably die that I had in fact in essence found her dead. But the Panic and sadness came when I understood what dead meant. That she wouldn’t be there. That I would never see her again. That she would never reach a stable weight or fight cutting. Get married Have children. Grow old.

“I just let her out the ECA,” Emmet said stiffly. “I put her on green observations. I fought  for that. I told Doctor Jordan that even though she was unpredictable it was all progress. That she could be safely managed. I did that. I went against him. He wanted amber at least and I pushed for green. I did that.” Emmet’s voice was pained and distant. He blamed himself. His grip went week around me and he sank to the floor. His head in his hands. He made no sound I’m not even sure he produced any tears but he felt so, so far away from me.   

“Emmet…Emmet I demanded, crouching beside him. Without him I would panic. I would disintegrate. Slip, slide, tumble and Break. “Emmet I pleaded.” His body quivered but he made no movement. He did not speak to ease my fear he did not smile or reach for me. He did not kiss the base of my throat or touch my hands. There was nothing else to do apart from be with him so I sat defeated on the floor my eyes drifting over the kitchen.

We sat for ages not saying anything just listening to the thickness of the air around us watching Mia get impatient as she finished eating and bashed the spoon in her bowl. I looked for the answers but I didn’t even really know the right questions.

“I am responsible for this,” Emmet eventually said taking his head out of his hands. His skin was white and grey his lips devoid of colour.

“No you’re not. Of course you’re not.” I reached for him past the silence past the haze of resistance he gave out and touched his cheek brushing my finger up over his lips and down his chin and that’s when he broke, when his numbness retreated and the pain slipped him. His face cracked, his head low and huge heaves of tears engulfed him washing over his shoulders and down his spine in waves braking over the surface.

“Emmet. I love you,” I whispered scooting over to him and pulling his as close to me as my small stature would allow him to be, I wanted to tell him that it was all right but that wouldn’t be true. So what else was there to say? 

Chapter 273 : At home

Somehow I worked the rest of the night shift without falling apart. I did my job well but just that my Job. I mostly occupied the office perched behind my desk and worked through the mountain of incident reports, risk assessments and other paper worked that came with an attempted suicide of such magnitude. Time I did adventure out some of the Clients where asleep others stirred with worry over there missing comrade. Bella… Bella sobbed and sobbed and didn’t stop. I put her on amber observations maybe it was cruel but so much sobbing could take dark form in anyone’s head and Bella did not protest. She didn’t care she wanted her friend safe something that I could not give her.

I could not remember the drive home from the unit when it finely came all I knew was I cried the entire time not heavily not heartbroken beaten down sobs from the chest like Bella just a trickle of tears that I had to occasionally rub away with the side of my hand so I could see the road. I probably shouldn’t have been driving but I could not face being next to the people on the bus.

“Hi honey good shift?” Emmet shouted as I twisted the key in the lock and stepped into my hall way at about eight fifteen. I hadn’t told him yet. I had tried on a good few occasions from work to pick up the phone to tell him the news but how? He loved Mi too. It had to be face to face.

“No…” I sniffed more tears surfacing and falling over my cheeks as I stood in the hall way of the kitchen looking over  him directing Mi’s spoon full of cereal towards her mouth so he couldn’t get wheat a bix down over herself.” No not really I squeaked.”

“Hay, hay, what’s happened honey?” Emmet asked placing the spoon back into Mia’s bowl and walking over to me embracing me into his arms.

“It’s so awful Emmet.” I moaned pressing myself into his chest still not allowing myself to properly cry. “It’s Mi at work she said she somehow found a blade. Looked like it was from a pencil sharpener. She took a bath and cut her wrist. Manged to het the Ulnar arteries. Did a pretty good job on her leg to might of hit the femoral artery too. She bled out and went under. When I found her she wasn’t breathing. I took her out the bath did CPR but it doesn’t look good.”             

Chapter 272 : What she left behind.

The ambulance arrived in minutes but it felt like hours and with every second that passed one of the other nurse or myself worked over Mi’s body but she showed no signs of life not from the second I pulled her out of the bath to the moment she was delivered lifeless into the back of the ambulance and they speed away blue lights reflecting on the rain kissed pavements.

I had never felt so numb. So lost. So unable to get my head around something that could have been prevented. Had I missed something in her that I should have been able to see? Was there something I could have done to prevent such tragedy? Was I ever going to see her smile again? Feel her tears on my shoulder?

“Esmee… Esmee… That alarm. That alarm is bad alarm right. Doesn’t that mean someone has stopped breathing? Ae they Ok I saw the ambulance… Esmee, are you Ok?” 

“I’m Ok Bella,” I said forcing a smile onto my face. I had not thought how I was going to tell the rest of the clients that one of their own was seriously unwell or dead. Each and every one would have their questions about the Alarm. Though it was in code none of them where stupid they all knew what that alarm meant, but this was worse this was Bella. How could I tell Bella? In the unit she was Mi’s best friend she had took her under her wing and even though Mi still demanded a lot of nursing attention and intervention. An awful lot more then Bella Bella was always there for Mi they hung out they talked and played games when Mi showed some stability. Bella cared for her. She was going to be devastated. It would probably even knock her recovery. Apart from her precious twilight books that she gained her strength from Mi was next in her line she was one friend that truly understood her. Who know what it was like to not be able to eat.

“So who is poorly are they Ok?”

“Bella.., Mi isn’t very well… There paramedics have taken her to hospital and they are looking after her Ok. She is very poorly right now but they are trying to help her…”

“Mi…” Bella stammered looking at me. Her eyes big and filled with liquid. She didn’t really understand why would she. Neither did I. We should have spotted the signs had her on red so we could have been watching her. There were too many questions. I wanted to cry too.

“What? I mean how? I don’t understand. Wasn’t she in the ECA? How did it happen? Did she you know… do it too herself?”

“You know I can’t tell you what happened Bella, I’m sorry.” I moaned taking one of Bella hand into mine.

“She is Ok right though.” Bella smiled though her eyes already knew the answer. Tears started Spilling down over her face as she studied mine. What I would have given to have been able to give her good news to tell her that one again Mi needed “extra care” but would be back soon, but it would have been wrong to lie too. There was such a fine balance of what I could and couldn’t tell her, she was Mi’s beast friend yet I could not tell her the truth. It was sad but somewhere there was a written law that I could not brake if I wanted to remain a nurse. i wasn’t sure I even wanted that at that moment though. I couldn’t imagine not coming into work and seeing Mi in her room any more. Did I really want to?

“Bella… She is very, very ill.” With my words she crumbled her knees hitting the floor before I could reach out to catch her, and she sobbed long and hard and loud. The noise infiltrating the corridor almost much more loudly then any alarm could. This was Mi’s real alarm. The heart break, the pure devastation the she may not come back. It was cold and haunting.  Mi didn’t know it but this is what she was leaving behind. People who loved her, who cared and who could not physically stand up without her.

Chapter 271 : She had to be dead

Esmee

 “Mi, I’m doing checks.” I shouted into the bathroom door about quarter of an hour after Mi told me she was going to have a bath. It was nice to see her looking better after her hell of a time in the ECA and I was glad she was getting back into the swing of things, in short she seemed for the first time that she was doing ok. “Mi I have to come in and check if you are OK sweat pea. If you want to shove a towel over yourself or something that would be good,” I shouted back through the door before twisting my fingers in the release lock and opening the door a jar so I could see in around the corner.

“Mi honey, Mi… … Mia!” I yelled as I took in what was in front of me. Mi was laid under the now bright red bath water with her eyes closed. I recoiled at the sight as my eyes went fuzzy with tears and I almost vomited over myself. She had to be dead, there was no way she could survive this. I couldn’t get the facts to get right inside my head or work out what I should be doing. Mi was dead. Mi was dead. She had been smiling at me fifteen minutes ago and now she was under bright red water. It wasn’t fair we had all tried so hard for her and she had come so far. I had held her in my arms and told her that I was going to protect her and now she was dead.

As quick as they went away they came back again and my nursing instincts took over she had to be dead but I had to try there was still a chance if she had only stooped breathing. It was remote and unlikely but I had to try and bring her back. Scrambling to make my legs work I smashed the button on my RRA and then darted over the door and smashed the little blue alarm under the fire alarm. Every room and corridor in the unit automatically filled with sound and a posh woman announced the words “code blue.”

“Come on Mi fight this baby,” I moaned after going back to the bath and plunging my hands into the scolding hot water so I could get her out of the bath. I knew the image of her would be set there forever inside my head but I had to work through it I had to get her heart beating. Getting her out of the bath I laid her down on her back on the floor. She had to be dead… she looked barely human as I looked over her with blue lips and purple sunken eyelids. Her skin was pasty white with no hint of colour in her cheeks and she was bleeding arterially from both wrists and possibly from her legs… she had to be dead. It was impossible.

Clearing my head as best as I could I whipped off of Mi’s lips and tilted her head back pinched her nose and breathed twice into her lungs before I turned my attention to her chest. I hated giving CPR. It was brutal and it was violent and it often broke ribs but it was the only way it would work so without thinking I pressed my hands deep into her chest wincing as the rest of her body flopped about under the pressure. I felt like I was beaten up the broken but it had to be done if there was any chance, if there was any small hope that I could save her.

“What’s going on Esmee?” Jean shouted puffing and panting as she reached the bathroom door at a run talking to a person on the end of the phone.

“It’s Mi,” I moaned watching as water spilled out the edges of Mi’s lips at the same time as I pumped hard upon her chest “I found her underwater in the bath after she cut herself. She’s got an arterial bled from each wrist and there is a really nasty gash on her leg. She’s not breathing and she hasn’t got a pulse.”  I heard Jean rattle off the information to ambulance control on the phone but my head became distant. It wasn’t fair. She had tried so hard to fight.

“Come on baby, live, please just live, it gets better I promise, just breath for me,” but there was nothing she was fading and I couldn’t bring her back… she had to be dead.